I have been writing for several years. I have mused on many topics in that time, from general observations, to the impact of the childhood sexual abuse I suffered, the mistakes I have made, and the faith I have practiced for the majority of my life. I find I am at a cross-roads of sorts by recognizing that the subject matter of the past ignored or skirted the underlying issues which have driven me.
As I put 50 plus years in perspective and examine the prospects of the future, I am confronted with brokenness and pain, but also with a renewing sense of hope founded in the reality of life itself. No longer depressed and myopic in my revelations but realistic about the fact that we all struggle, we all make mistakes, and we all regret decisions, that is just the bargain we are offered when we are born into this life.
Yes, I have made extremely poor choices and by doing so dragged many good people into my messes, but I never intended to harm anyone. I was acting out of my deeply wounded soul with coping mechanisms long out of date and unquestionably horribly immature.
As I look forward I have an eye on the past, I am dealing with the repercussions of my failures but also building a new foundation for the promising life that is still on the approaching horizon.
Addiction has been an ever-present and ever growing destructive force that has given nothing but taken everything. There is no area of my life that hasn’t been crippled by this enemy of my soul. For much of my life I skipped long ignorant of addictions creeping, slimy, evil intent and its steady and complete infection of every thought and action. Like a land ravaged by war, I see a field that is barren and scattered with unimaginable destruction. The carcasses of dreams lie about like the bodies of soldiers who have fallen in combat. All commerce, relationships, indeed the production of an entire people waylaid by the bombs of pornography and the bullets of shame.
After a time of remembrance, mourning, and grief we are left with the prospects of rebuilding what was lost, and indeed much of it must be from the foundation up. Razing what was irreparably damaged and starting again does in itself provide a sense of hope. But like the war that is over, we must find a new path that avoids the costly losses incurred and charts a direction of peace and safety.
I have decided to stop couching my words, shuffling blame from one to another, and hindering the message I speak with a cloak of pride in an effort to protect whatever reputation I have which may still exist. I need to expose the addiction that has ruled my life for what it is, and join with others in our goal of freedom from the guilt and shame which drives addictions tentacles deeper into our lives.
What I have done is not who I am. I am stepping day-by-day into the intense and revealing light of freedom. I am breathing in clean, refreshing, and life-giving air which is renewing my weary bones. My blood rushes through my veins like a vigorous new strengthening and fortifying hope in life.
What has been doesn’t have to be what is to come, the choice is ours from this moment on, practicing steadfast and unrelenting truth can become our most beautiful and peerless reality.
(A word of caution: I may at times speak in very raw and explicit terms in this blog while dealing with my addiction to pornography. This is not to titillate, but to help us all learn and grow and escape the clutches of the addiction we are shackled with. Many of the things I talk of here will apply to anyone struggling to escape addictions cruel grasp.)
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