I had an iPhone for several years. It was a convenient and very handy tool for a lot of things, everyone knows that. It had games and music, there was email and I could get online, I know, duh! One day, it became apparent that this useful device had become more of a distraction than helpful, more destructive then constructive.
It had become an all to easy portal to feed my compulsive behaviour. Make no mistake, it was my willingness to use the tool to satisfy illicit desires that was at fault and not the tool itself. The important realization was my inability to use good judgement with a device that had this capability. I had internet protection software installed to keep me accountable, but I figured out how to get around it. I was dishonest and manipulative and subverted the trust I was given.
That was the day I knew it had to go.
Do you know how difficult it is to go backwards? I mean, now I am sporting the dorkiest “dumb” phone around! The little buttons are so small I can barely text with my big fingers. If I want to get online, it is on a computer in an area open and unhidden, and its locked down with accountability and filtering software. I have a couple guys who check up on me regularly too.
I made the switch over two years ago and at first I thought I was gonna die! I was lost without that little gizmo stuck to my hand. I tried to weasel out of my bargain and justify having a smart phone again a few times, but it has finally taken hold and been long enough that I rarely think about it anymore.
In all truthfulness, the iPhone wasn’t the problem, it was me. I had issues in my heart that I didn’t want to face so I fired up the iPhone and filled my mind up with trash. I medicated the problem with porn.
I took a big step backward in technology, but gained my life back in the process. When I began to deal with the brokenness inside, good things began to happen. It took some time for the images to fade and the lust to abate; but it also took awhile for me to realize how deep I was into this, I was addicted.
Today I am a changed man, and continue to change. It isn’t an easy road and I wasn’t as committed at first as I am today…
…I will be more dedicated to sobriety tomorrow than I am in the moment I write this.
It really is a day at a time, celebrating the little victories while realizing a slip isn’t a trip back to the beginning. Sobriety and therapy, accountability, digging deep into what I believe about myself and others, these are all difficult tasks at times but necessary to get to a place of lasting internal peace and joy. It is complex and unknown territory that we must discover to find out who we are, and more importantly who we can be!
It may be time to make your own decisions regarding some things you’ve desperately held onto.
The thing is… what I really want to say is, it is possible to be free. We just have to be willing to take what seems to be a loss, leave it behind, and forge our way to freedom.